looking back...

Thursday, August 6, 2015

my itty bitty baby girl is 5 months old today. i'm not quite sure how this even happened. seriously, where does the time go? it feels like just yesterday we were on our way to the hospital to meet our little boo. boy, girl...only time was going to tell. to much surprise, the bump in my belly was a girl. i would have sworn it was a boy. even the chinese gender predictor told me we were having a boy. and come on, that predictor is like really accurate, no?

but regardless of what my gut and the chinese had to say, i gave birth to miss finley shea on march, 6th 2015. with each passing day i have had the honor of watchig her grow. some days are definitely eaiser than other days. but every day is truly the BEST with her. i am so tickled to be her mama. and being her mama is my most favorite and most incredible job yet. i have been dreaming of being a mommy for YEARS and i still sort of can't believe here i am 5 months into this whole mom thing. {and totally happy to have joined the mom club mind you}

sometimes i catch myself saying things like, "she is finally outgrowing her newborn clothes, i can't wait for her to crawl, for her to walk, to start her on solids for her to eat a bacon cheeseburger {because clearly she'll love them like her mama}, to say her first words." but then i stop and remind myself these are the moments and i need to take a deep breath and treasure the fact that at 5 months she is just now getting use of her 0-3/3 month clothing. the fact that before my tiny eyes know it this mover and shaker of our's will be crawling, heaven help us! i know there is going to be a time in the near furture where she won't rely on me as her main food source. and just like finley in her 1 month photo shoot that's exactly how those thoughts make me feel. . .

it's a constant struggle to not wish the days away. not that i don't love her being little. because i really do. #nevergrowup it's simply because i am just so axious for all the amazing new things to come. and watching her learn these new things. i am more excited then she will ever know. but i just have to slow down and hold on to these precious moments.



wednesday thoughts.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

i have a peaceful sleeping two month old on the left side of my shoulder and a shoulder full of that peaceful sleeping two month old's vomit on the right. my little girl had an upset belly for the better part of the day. while she was completely pleasant and had her usual appetite {note: eating every 35 minutes} she couldn't seem to keep most of it down. it broke my heart even though she didn't seem bothered. she slept a lot. my baby. my baby who just does not sleep during the day slept. long and hard. my baby just wasn't herself. we took a few tubbies. i captured a few pictures. and i just snuggled the heck out of her and didn't put her down. that's right, i didn't put her down. i held my ill baby all.day.long. because like i just mentioned, mama knows best. and that is exactly what my baby needed. granted, i hold my daughter on a regular basis because i can and because she likes it. there will one day be a time when i can't hold her all day long. a day when she won't let me. but that day was not today. and it wasn't yesterday and probably won't be tomorrow, either. 

people want to judge. i can't tell you the number of times someone has told me i have to put her down. i can't hold her all the time. well why can't i? she's two months old and i'm her mother. if i want to hold her all the time i will. and i can actually. maybe it's a bad habit. one that may possibly be quite hard to break. but that's okay. because there is nothing i love more than her peach fuzz head nuzzled into my neck. so when someone feels the need to tell me i need to put my child down, i feel the need to want to instantly throw my shoe at them. i won't tell you how to raise your childen so please don't tell me how to raise mine. 

and if you really want to talk judgement, listen to this. my two month old is currently sleeping on daddy's side of the bed. daddy is away on business and i think both her and i feel more secure being together. while co-sleeping is not something we typically do in this house, tonight is a special occasion. daddy not being home and finley's tummy not cooperating. go ahead, roll your eyes. think what you want.

ya know what i'm thinking right now as i look over at the image of my little girl sucking her newly found thumb? i'm thinking that my 5 second thumb sucker is just about the cutest thing i ever did see.

happy two months baby, girl!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

well. here i am again and while i would like to say today was a million times better than yesteday...it wasn't. it was another one of those days. today, my sweet finley girl is two months old. and while i had wanted to take a cute and very creative picture for two months, it didn't happen. because we had more important things to do. like 1. try to figure out what the crying was all about and 2. stop the crying. major fail. as i sit here typing this at 9:48 pm the crying continues. slowly, as her daddy rocks her i can hear the crying becoming fainter. i feel like today i failed. i failed because i wasn't the one who was able to settle her. i wasn't the one to her rescue. but i am proud that the man holding our darling baby girl is mine for keeps and that he was able to get the job done. because the quiet is comforting. it puts me at ease knowing our peanut is content in his arms.

days like today.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

it's days like today. days when i have to reheat my 6 am coffee for the 4th time at 8 am. days when there are dishes to be put away and clothes to be folded. days when all i really need is a hot shower. a just me shower. no baby sitting in her tubby on the floor in the bathroom while i gaze at her with the shower curtain opened. like a real life hot shower. the steamy mirror kind. days when my milk supply just doesn't seem to be keeping up with the baby's eating needs. days when no matter what i do doesn't seem to be enough. singing. rocking. laying. patting. feeding. burping. dancing. reading. talking. bathing. changing. none of it works. none of it soothes. none of it comforts. none of it helps.

days when all i can think of are the days when i didn't have a crying baby in my arms, or on my lap, or nuzzled in my chest. days when i didn't have a shirt filled with wet tears or slobber or vomit. days when i got to eat a hot meal and sleep through the night. days when it was just me. on these days, it makes  me love my baby the most. please don't get me wrong. i l.o.v.e. my baby all the time every single day of the week. and then some. but on these trying days. the ones where finley tests my every whim and makes me wonder why someone ever let me be her mama. it is then, on these days that i can't help but have a special kind of love for the kid.

because to be honest with you. i don't know how i ever lived life without her. the amazing little person that she is and is becoming with each passing day. and let me tell you. i am SO overly grateful and honored that god has given her to me to be her mama. and i can't think of a more rewarding job. even on these days. the ones where i don't feel qualified enough. the ones where all i want to do is curl up and cry. {and perhaps on days like today i do just that} yes, it's on these days that i just look over at my bambino sitting in her diaper, hanging in her boppy screaming her lungs out while i take a second to go to the bathroom that i can't help but smile. and perhaps chuckle a bit. that red faced screaming girl is mine. all mine. {and her daddys} and i'm proud. oh so proud. she belongs to me. and i am so lucky that i get to keep her. on these days when i pick up my breathless little baby i give her a kiss and thank her. thank her for being who she is. and loving me uncontrollably. i thank her for needing me. and for having faith in me that i'll somehow, someway make her feel better. and that we'll get through days like today. and we'll put them behind us. until the next day like today presents itself. because there will be more. but that's okay. because with every day like today there are 20 more days not like today. and together, her and i manage to get through these days like today.

it's on these days that i feel most blessed. as tired and worn down as i may be when my head hits the pillow on these days. these are the days that make me realize just how incredible mommyhood is. and on these days i can't wait to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow. 


Monday, January 20, 2014

I can't believe my last blog post was April of 2013. I am extremely disappointed in this. Not quite sure why or how the whole blog thing fell off my radar. Perhaps life just got a bit crazy? Perhaps I just felt a lack of inspiration?


Who knows.

And honestly, who cares.

It's always really difficult to start something back up for whatever reason. Starting over, starting fresh...it's always something I struggle with. Simply because I am the worst at change and new beginnings. But what better time for starting fresh than in the month of January? Ugh. January. Not my most favorite of months. All the fun holiday stuff is over and we're just left with bitterly cold temperatures, dirty black snow and hoping that warmer weather is right around the corner.

According to weather.com, it's not.

Please don't mind all the windows opened...which actually is nothing compared to my normal 22+ tabs I usually have spread across the top of my internet browser.

Anyway. Speaking of not liking change. I think this little space needs to change. Some major drastic change. A new direction. A new look. And a lot more dedication.

So this is the start to something beautiful. At least I sure hope so...