Tuesday, January 12, 2016

i thought about whether i wanted to share finley's birth/life story on here. i toyed with the idea over and over. i know no one reads my blog so i wasn't quite worried about that. like at all. but then again, what if i get famous? what if i all of a sudden get a huge freaking following and all these peeps know my most intimate details of such an intimate occurrence in my life? FAT CHANCE. so here i am. my tell all. {bachelorette style} except far less glamorous and probably a whole lot more emotion.

the backbone of the story is this. i've wanted a baby for as long as i can remember. multiple babies if we're being honest. being a mom just felt like something i had to do. i needed to experience. the older i got {like early 20's!} i felt like my clock was ticking and i was running completely out of time to have my litter of babes i once desired. granted, i always thought i would be married by 19 and have at least 5 children by then. because clearly 19 was super old and it just made sense to have 5 babies at that age.

flash forward. i'm 27. no serious boyfriend and sort of kind of completely out of the dating scene. i felt like my chances of having even one child by 30 was less likely than being bit by a shark. but i still think, maybeeeeeee i'll meet someone totally awesome. we'll hit it off, get married and start our puppy litter. i mean, having children right. away. {i don't even like dogs so i don't know why i even said that}

alas, i meet finley's dad. the one i just know i'm going to end up with. hearts in eyes, pitter patter feelings, cue all the love music there is. he's my lobster. there is hope after all. EXCEPT one small thing. he's 26 years older to me. {story for a different day...} and he doesn't want children. however, spoiler alert: we have finley and he's totally smitten and all is right in the world.

i find out i'm pregnant after taking about 25 thousand pregnancy tests. are those lines really both pink? pink means pregnant? the words 'yes' do indicate there is a human growing inside of me? OH.EM.GEE.

i loved being pregnant. from beginning to end. even the parts that i didn't like at all. like vomiting in my work trash can because i was so nauseous. or having to pull over on the side of the road to get sick in a pizza places parking lot. seriously, it's all amazing. even being legit sick the last two months and not being able to take anything for it.

she was due march 1st. {a sunday} originally she was due february 21st but she was measuring small so they pushed it back. march 1st came and went and i remained pregnant. they had me scheduled for an induction the following sunday in the event she didn't come on her own during that week. i went into work that monday feeling great just super anxious to meet the baby and find out if they were a girl or a boy. tuesday night i started having contractions. they were intense and crazy. mind numbing pain shooting down my back. they were so sporadic and inconsistent and definitely not to the point where i was to call my doctor. we timed them throughout the night. i called out of work on wednesday and thought today is definitely our baby's birthday. YAY. but wednesday came and went as well and still nothing. thursday was a ginormous snow storm and i kept thinking it would make for a good birth story. but oddly enough my contractions stopped and i was pain free the whole day. that night they started back up and were INTENSE! i had the worst nights sleep and was positive i would be going into labor in the middle of the night. that wasn't the case. my contractions continued to be inconsistent. i called my doctors office that morning because i had an appointment. i explained i was having contractions but timing wise they were not hospital ready. i said i didn't think i would be able to sit comfortably/have a stress test with what was going on. the nurse told me i could go to the hospital if we wanted just to get looked at and see where we were with everything. SOLD! we went with our overnight bags with the expectation of being sent home.

we were put in a room when we got there and the contractions continued. they set me up to the heart rate monitor for baby and i. everything was fine as we were waiting for the doctor to come in. all of a sudden the monitor started to beep and we had about 8 nurses and 3 doctors in the room with us surrounding me. i couldn't even see michael at this point. i had nurses poking me with needles while doctors pushed on my stomach and rotated my body. IT WAS WILD! finally the machine stopped beeping and the room calmed down and i could see michael again. standing against the wall as white as a ghost. it was explained to us that the baby's heart rate had a decell. which meant her heart rate went from happy and healthy to completely dropping and unhealthy. NO GOOD. my doctor told me this was my ticket into a labor room and that we were going to have a baby today. YIPPY! it took 4 nurses to find a vein for my IV. they ended up getting a vein in my forearm that meant i was not able to bend my arms. which is totally awesome for a pregnant woman having contractions. needless to say, i bent my arms, my IV drip starts beeping and a nurse has to come in and reset it. this happened a billion times. another thing that happened a billion times? the decell of my precious baby. throughout the day we heard the pushes of women around us, the cries of babies being born. but there we were. no progress. i finally got the epidural and it was AMAZING. i was a bit nervous given some of the hype i have heard of it. but i was either a. in so much pain i just didn't notice or b. my anesthesiologist just rocked so much and was THAT good at his job that i didn't feel the epidural AT ALL. from that point on i was feeling great. up until i had my IV break in my arm and having to get pulled out. they found a new spot in my wrist which i was told might always have a tingling feeling afterwards. {great}

the more we waited, the more decells i had. my body wasn't progressing and i was getting no closer to being prepared to deliver this baby. every time i had a really big contraction the baby's heart rate dropped which led to a room full of nurses and my doctor. they had me on all fours to try and get the heart rate back up. it was scary. my doctor talked to me about a c-section. i wanted the baby to be healthy. i wanted what was best for the baby. but i also wasn't prepared for a c-section. i didn't prep for that. my doctor continued to let me wait. we hung in our room and we chatted with my parents. i intensely watched the monitor next to me and prayed quietly that the baby's heart would stay strong and i would be able to deliver the way i planned and intended. but the last decell my doctor allowed was pretty large and i knew from the look on her face that we were going to have to go the c-section route. i burst into tears. my emotions were the roof. i was scared to death. it was all such a blur. i gave my parents a kiss, they threw michael some scrubs and they wheeled me away. the room was freezing and they had music blasting. i was told they were going to give me a higher dosage to my already spinal that would make the bottom part of my body immobile. and boy did it. michael was still not in the room and all i wanted was to hold his hand. i could feel every tub, pull and push. it was SO strange. however, you're numb enough to not feel the cutting. clearly.

after all the cuts were made michael was able to come into the room and sit by my side. the room was filled with all sorts of people. i just cried the whole time and kept thinking about what an outer body experience this all was. when the time came i was told they were going to count to three while pushing on my belly and then they were going to pull the baby out. MAN DID I FEEL THE PUSHING. it was crazyyyyy. and then just like that, at 10:30 pm there was the sound of a baby crying. my doctor goes, "we have a peanut!" which was wild since i was told i was giving birth to a long 8 lb child at the end of my pregnancy. they told michael to peek over and tell mommy what we had.

"we have a finley!" he wept.

i was crying and so caught up. i thought she was a boy. i thought she was going to be a big baby! she was 5 lbs 14 ounces and 18.5 inches long. we found out she was wrapped up in the umbilical cord and her oxygen was cut off whenever i contracted.

i never thought the sound of a baby wailing could be more adorable and magical. i wanted to hold that baby. but since she made a bowel movement inside me the NICU doctor took her quickly to clean her up. WHERE IS MY CHILD? all of a sudden the room was spinning and i felt so light headed. i knew i was going to get sick. i told the one nurse and she held a very small kidney shapped bowl at me while i vomited up green liquid. it was awful. they finally handed michael our beautiful brand new baby girl. a man who has NEVER, EVER held a baby in his entire life. i was too weak to hold her at this point. she was the cutest thing i ever saw. and she was ours. for keeps. we were brought into a recovery room. i stayed in the bed since i was on bedrest basically for 12 hours. michael took finley out into the glass waiting room where my parents waited to meet their 4th grandchild. finally, he was back with our little girl. the nurses put her on top of me for the first time. it was a feeling i'll never be able to describe. i remember attempting to nurse her. i was in so much pain and now my body has to feed this little infant. she was such a good sucker right off the bat. {and has been ever since!} once i was cleaned up and gave finley her first feeding they said i would be wheeled into our room and they were taking finley to the nursey. i was sad to not have her but i was drained. we got into our room at about 2 am. it was such a whirlwind. michael and i sat up talking and crying and embracing us being parents. it will always be one of my most cherished moment with the man! and just like that before we knew it, finley was back in our room the next morning and she's been the biggest part of our hearts ever since.

i'm back. maybe.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

i have thought LONG and HARD about deleting all of my old posts. starting fresh and just moving forward. but every time i think i grow the courage to do, i can't. because well, those old posts are a part of me. plus, it's fun looking back. right? i just can't seem to bring myself to do so. so i won't. decision made. no more toying with the idea. instead i will just keep moving forward and hopefully revamp this little gem of a blog and make it a place i can call home. because right now it's so scattered and hodge podged and allll over the place that i can't seem to get it together. like, come on.


i often find myself pondering about the life of a blogger. HOW DO THEY DO IT? i know for some of the big names out there it's considered their full time job. {LUCKY DUCKS!} i just want to know how? WHY them? what makes them so interesting? no, really. what does? as an avid reader of so many blogs out there {guilty as charged} i'm not quite sure what exactly it is that draws me in. is it that they wear really fancy clothes? because they do. and fancy clothes make me smile. is it that they have pretty faces and attractive husbands and adorable children? i mean, makes sense. people are interested in good looking people as opposed to ugly people. look at naomi. she's pretty and quirky and always has time to wear pink lipstick. and she looks really good in it. and it's never smudge. i mean, neverrrrr. her kiddos and husband are cute. pink peonies. another one who always has time for lipstick. and she's got a closet of shoes that would make carrie bradshaw whimper. her daughter has some cute cheeks and her husband is nice to look at {if you like that type} and well, her clothes are stellar. just sayinnnn.

these gals are just two among the many bloggers making a living of this whole blogging thing. and they are doing a darn good job at it i must say. they also bring out my most jealous bone. obvs. and i'm not a jealous person. but when you're writing about all these awesome getaways that peeps are paying for to just live life? well yeah, it's hard not to make the common peasant {like myself} a tad jealous. like to know that you and your husband make enough money to not technically work a real life job yet are somehow able to support your family of five and live in manhattan and float here there and everywhere. well yeah, i'm jellin' like whoa.

i also don't know how they manage to look ah-maz-ing. aren't they tired? don't they have little humans climbing all over them at all times? no? just me?

maybe if i was born into a mormon family. maybe that's the trick. don't drink, don't have sex until i'm married, then get married at 19 and start reproducing adorable littles. no, for real though. like every single darn blog i read are part of the latter day saint crew. so they are doing something right. maybe it's in that utah water or something.

and here i am. just being a mediocre mom in sweats and a sweatshirt most days, raising my child catholic and not even being married to my babe's daddy. we do at least live together and are in love. {most days} so i mean that should count for something.

looking back...

Thursday, August 6, 2015

my itty bitty baby girl is 5 months old today. i'm not quite sure how this even happened. seriously, where does the time go? it feels like just yesterday we were on our way to the hospital to meet our little boo. boy, girl...only time was going to tell. to much surprise, the bump in my belly was a girl. i would have sworn it was a boy. even the chinese gender predictor told me we were having a boy. and come on, that predictor is like really accurate, no?

but regardless of what my gut and the chinese had to say, i gave birth to miss finley shea on march, 6th 2015. with each passing day i have had the honor of watchig her grow. some days are definitely eaiser than other days. but every day is truly the BEST with her. i am so tickled to be her mama. and being her mama is my most favorite and most incredible job yet. i have been dreaming of being a mommy for YEARS and i still sort of can't believe here i am 5 months into this whole mom thing. {and totally happy to have joined the mom club mind you}

sometimes i catch myself saying things like, "she is finally outgrowing her newborn clothes, i can't wait for her to crawl, for her to walk, to start her on solids for her to eat a bacon cheeseburger {because clearly she'll love them like her mama}, to say her first words." but then i stop and remind myself these are the moments and i need to take a deep breath and treasure the fact that at 5 months she is just now getting use of her 0-3/3 month clothing. the fact that before my tiny eyes know it this mover and shaker of our's will be crawling, heaven help us! i know there is going to be a time in the near furture where she won't rely on me as her main food source. and just like finley in her 1 month photo shoot that's exactly how those thoughts make me feel. . .

it's a constant struggle to not wish the days away. not that i don't love her being little. because i really do. #nevergrowup it's simply because i am just so axious for all the amazing new things to come. and watching her learn these new things. i am more excited then she will ever know. but i just have to slow down and hold on to these precious moments.



wednesday thoughts.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

i have a peaceful sleeping two month old on the left side of my shoulder and a shoulder full of that peaceful sleeping two month old's vomit on the right. my little girl had an upset belly for the better part of the day. while she was completely pleasant and had her usual appetite {note: eating every 35 minutes} she couldn't seem to keep most of it down. it broke my heart even though she didn't seem bothered. she slept a lot. my baby. my baby who just does not sleep during the day slept. long and hard. my baby just wasn't herself. we took a few tubbies. i captured a few pictures. and i just snuggled the heck out of her and didn't put her down. that's right, i didn't put her down. i held my ill baby because like i just mentioned, mama knows best. and that is exactly what my baby needed. granted, i hold my daughter on a regular basis because i can and because she likes it. there will one day be a time when i can't hold her all day long. a day when she won't let me. but that day was not today. and it wasn't yesterday and probably won't be tomorrow, either. 

people want to judge. i can't tell you the number of times someone has told me i have to put her down. i can't hold her all the time. well why can't i? she's two months old and i'm her mother. if i want to hold her all the time i will. and i can actually. maybe it's a bad habit. one that may possibly be quite hard to break. but that's okay. because there is nothing i love more than her peach fuzz head nuzzled into my neck. so when someone feels the need to tell me i need to put my child down, i feel the need to want to instantly throw my shoe at them. i won't tell you how to raise your childen so please don't tell me how to raise mine. 

and if you really want to talk judgement, listen to this. my two month old is currently sleeping on daddy's side of the bed. daddy is away on business and i think both her and i feel more secure being together. while co-sleeping is not something we typically do in this house, tonight is a special occasion. daddy not being home and finley's tummy not cooperating. go ahead, roll your eyes. think what you want.

ya know what i'm thinking right now as i look over at the image of my little girl sucking her newly found thumb? i'm thinking that my 5 second thumb sucker is just about the cutest thing i ever did see.

happy two months baby, girl!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

well. here i am again and while i would like to say today was a million times better than wasn't. it was another one of those days. today, my sweet finley girl is two months old. and while i had wanted to take a cute and very creative picture for two months, it didn't happen. because we had more important things to do. like 1. try to figure out what the crying was all about and 2. stop the crying. major fail. as i sit here typing this at 9:48 pm the crying continues. slowly, as her daddy rocks her i can hear the crying becoming fainter. i feel like today i failed. i failed because i wasn't the one who was able to settle her. i wasn't the one to her rescue. but i am proud that the man holding our darling baby girl is mine for keeps and that he was able to get the job done. because the quiet is comforting. it puts me at ease knowing our peanut is content in his arms.